No, this is not a euphemism for what the candidates do in their bedrooms.

The results for Taste of Cincinnati were recently announced on the Idiot Box Local News.  Some of the categories had legitimate winners from reputable establishments.  Others had, and I will be as kind as possible when I say this, some total dogs.  Let’s recap some of the highlights and lowlights, shall we?

Best Appetizer – Burbank’s Real Bar-B-Que, Southern Smoked Chicken Tenders

Best Salad – Indigo, Black & Blue Tuna Salad

Best Vegetarian Dish – Arloi Dee, Veggie Pad Thai

Best Seafood Dish – Shanghai Mama’s, Shanghai Seafood Noodles

Best Dessert – Buca di Beppo, Tiramisu

Best Damn Dish – Carrabba’s, Chicken Bryan

EVERYONE should have at least two “what the fsck!” moments on that list.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, two of these things – Carrabba’s & Buca di Beppo – are shameless, schlocky chain restaurants.  The other four are delightful members of the local dining scene – Burbank’s & Shanghai Mama’s are among my faves.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand and recognize that many large chain restaurants have some good food.  I love the bread at Romano’s Macaroni Grill; go off-menu at P.F. Chang’s and order some fabulous Mongolian Scallops; Maggiano’s knows their way around some veal; and it wouldn’t be called Cheesecake Factory if their cheesecake wasn’t pretty goddamned good.  So I get it.  I get that there are a few redeemable items on some absurd menus.

But for two chains to win an award each at the Taste of Cincinnati is a travesty and a sham and a mockery.  It’s a traveshamockery!  This city is so full of so much good food, I refuse to believe that the best these judges could come up with was Tiramisu & Chicken Bryan, whatever the fsck that is.  Should we just go ahead now and rename Taste of Cincinnati?  Why not “Taste of Lowest Common Denominator” or “Taste of Things that Won’t Confuse Grandma”?  I thought this event was created to celebrate the culinary successes of LOCAL places… you know, in CINCINNATI.

It leads me to two possible conclusions:

1.) The great restaurateurs of The Queen City decided not to give it their all, to hold back, to restrain themselves and let someone else win for a change by not entering their establishments.  That’s fine, I suppose, but considering it is a BEST FOOD COMPETITION, I will summon the spirit of Herman Edwards to express my feelings.

2.) The judges of Taste of Cincinnati lack the operative word in the event they are judging – Taste.  

I’ll be the first to admit that they had, at best, only a handful of the best restaurants in Cincinnati to judge from.  This was probably the greatest collection of second tier places (in my biz, we call ’em “B Doors”) that Cincinnati has to offer, with the very careful exception of Bella Luna, Indigo, Shanghai Mama’s, Andy’s Mediterranean, and La Petite France.

So I don’t really know what to make of it all.  Maybe I’ll write a letter.  Nonetheless, when the Illustrious Katie! comes to town for Memorial Day Weekend, we will most certainly NOT be attending Taste of Cincinnati.  Our own private Taste of Cincinnati Tour will be comprised of the following:

Dim Sum brunch @ Pacific Moon; prix fixe dinner @ Slims; lunch @ Arthur’s; a housewarming party at the Lovely Lisa’s new home; LND @ PRC; and a good ol’ fashioned throwdown grill-off at Stately Pratt Manor.

Stuff that in your ballot box and eat it.